Sunday, October 9, 2011

Bad Boys

Who doesn't like a bad boy? They add a bit of excitement, make everything seem slightly forbidden. We say we want a nice guy to take care of us and build a life with, but really we want some knife wielding fuckpig to spit in our mouths while nailing us and slap us, calling us dirty little cock whores.

Romance is a strange thing.

My romantic proclivities extend to my extensive collection of films of an adult nature with all male casts. Just the other day I found a naughty little stroke flick to divert my attention, and realized a few minutes in that the top was wearing an ankle monitoring bracelet. AN ANKLE MONITORING BRACELET!!!

One would think his theatrical appearance might violate the terms of his parole.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

An Open Letter To The Pregnant Woman At The Starbucks In Union Square

Dear Pregnant Woman at the Starbucks in Union Square,

You may not remember me, but I'm the gay guy who looks kind of like Drew Carey who let you cut in front of me in the line for the bathroom at the Starbucks in Union Square today. I just wanted to take a brief moment to thank you so much for leaving your urine all over the toilet seat for me to clean up so that the lady in line behind me didn't think I peed on the seat. My day was going so well that the perfect capper was cleaning the human waste of a perfect stranger.

For free.

I mean, it's one thing to use the bathroom after a short, drunk longshoreman just before closing time at the Drink'n'Fuck Tavern. In that situation, a little tinkle on the seat is a pleasant surprise, in comparison to chunky vomit or a bloody condom. But this was a Starbucks.

At 3:00 PM.

On a Thursday.

And as I believe I noticed earlier, you are not a short, drunk longshoreman, but a pregnant woman. I thought women were supposed to be all fastidious about using the bathroom. At least, that's the impression I always got from the condescending material of countless untalented, shoulder-pad-blazer wearing female stand-up comics in the '80s. Further, I grant you that as a gay man I have only the most rudimentary understanding of how your lady business works, but how the fuck does a WOMAN even get urine all over the toilet seat?

...Ohhhh, my friend Ashley tells me because some women “hover.” REALLY!?!?!? First off, you couldn't have lifted the seat? I mean, if your ass wasn't going to come in contact with the seat, why not just lift it? But really, are a couple of bum germs really that dangerous? Are you really that worried about “THE BABY?” A few germs never hurt anyone. Look at New Jersey. Those people practically live in their own filth, yet they seem a hardy, if somewhat mouthbreathing lot.

Your proclivity toward cleanliness certainly seems to be selective, as other people's theoretical ass microbes are so frightening that you have to engage in some sort of excretory acrobatics, yet leaving your HOT, STEAMING PISS all over the seat for the next comer is totally kosher.

So thanks. It's not often enough that I get to perform complimentary waste management as a thank you for my prior good deed. I hope your fetus goes six weeks past term, weighs 18lbs and comes out sideways.



Friday, October 24, 2008

Debunking the Bimbo: Reading Ann Coulter's BLATANT Lies

I was recently rereading Al Franken's masterpiece, "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them", enjoying his rhetorical pants-ing of right wing crapmonger and dominatrix Ann Coulter, when I thought to myself, "You know? I haven't heard much from her recently? I know she's got another book out, but then again, so does Dave Barry, and I've never met or heard of anyone who's ever bought a Dave Barry book." (BTW: be on the lookout for my upcoming post, Dave Barry:Who does this unfunny milquetoast have nude pictures of to keep getting work?) So I decided to check out her blog to see if she ever started telling the truth.

In a word, no.

Her most recent post, right on the home page of, is entitled, "AYERS: RADICAL LOON WHEN OBAMA WAS ONLY 47." It is a shockingly dishonest re-re-re-rehashing of Barack Obama's ties to former Weather Underground radical William Ayers.Her first MONSTROUS lie occurs only in the second paragraph. Let's look at the paragraph in its entirety, shall we?

In fact, the mainstream media did no vetting. They seem to have all agreed, "OK, none of us will get into this business with Jeremiah Wright, 'Tony' Rezko, Saul Alinsky, Bill Ayers and everyone's impression of an angry Michelle Obama on 'The Jerry Springer Show.'"

You would consider CNN part of the mainstream media, right? So all I did was search the CNN website using the search terms "obama and ayers." I got 96 results. It took me less than a minute! Now, to be fair, a lot of these results are unrelated, or have only a passing mention of the relationship, or are merely reporting the McCain's campaign's charges or the Obama campaign's REFUTATIONS (Yes, Ann, you disingenuous tart! It's a refutation, not just a denial, because it offers documented proof that the charge is bogus.) However, there are a number of articles which directly investigate the closeness and significance of any relationship between Obama and Ayers, such as "Ayers and Obama crossed paths on boards, records show," posted on October 7. Further, helpfully pointed me to an article in the Chicago Sun-Times dated April 18, SIX MONTHS AGO, entitled "Who is Bill Ayers?" It chronicles every time and circumstance that Barack Obama and Bill Ayers ever crossed paths, noting even Ayers' contribution to Obama's state senate campaign.

But the media did no vetting? That should have sounded like complete bullshit before I just debunked it. Why? Because, like anyone who's been paying even the most cursory attention has been hearing about William Ayers for months, just like we've been hearing about Wright, Rezko, et al. But maybe Ann was too busy to do that google search. I hear that thigh high patent leather boots are a real bitch to get on.

As a sidetrack, the most disturbing part of that paragraph is Ann's last line, the complete non-sequitur trashing Michelle Obama. First of all, the use of the word everyone. I don't think Michelle Obama is an angry person, do you? Of course not! But that would detract from Ann's racist attempt to inspire fear and hate in the minds od white readers. "Jerry Springer? Ohhh, she must be one of THOSE black women."

My next lovingly crafted piece of bovine excrement from Ann's post is as follows

Back before the media realized it needed to lie about Obama launching his political career at Ayers' house, the Los Angeles Times provided an eyewitness account from a liberal who attended the event.

"When I first met Barack Obama, he was giving a standard, innocuous little talk in the living room of those two legends-in-their-own-minds, Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn. They were launching him -- introducing him to the Hyde Park community as the best thing since sliced bread."

The Times has now stripped this item from its Web page, but the great blogger Patterico has preserved it for posterity on his Web page.

For this one, before I even went to the Los Angeles Times website, I just followed her link to the aforementioned Patterico. Patterico exposes Ann's first lie in this excerpt by reporting that the evidence we see Ann quoting above is from "namely, a blog post by a liberal who was there in that living room, who said..." So this was not a news item that the L.A. Times posted and then hushed up, it's an editorial post from a blogger!!! Wow. Ann must have just assumed that like her, we'd be too lazy to follow up on anything by clicking a mouse or typing. I hear wielding a cat-o-nine-tails for hours in an attempt to discipline your grateful sex slave really tires out the fingers.

The other big lie is in vouching for Patterico's veracity. While I could find NO evidence of this blog or blogger on the L.A. Times website, which in fairness to Ann and Patterico would be in keeping with a Times attempt to cover up an embarrasing gotcha, I find it curious that all of Patterico's supporting links were broken except one, of a cached webpage from this blogger, going by the name "red rabbit" from 2005. Then, interestingly enough, when I attempted to return to Patterico's article to further examine it, guess what? That link is broken, now, too. Wow, Ann, lying, deceitful birds of a feather... Although to be fair to Ann, this debunk took me almost a half hour to look into, and I hear that surgery to remove your bottom two ribs to better fit into a whalebone corset takes a lot of energy out of you.

So, Ann, you dissembling little trollop, I see a leopard doesn't change its spots. The sad thing is there are many more lies in not only this one post of Ann's, but in every single thing she writes or says. I encourage you to find some yourself. It's not difficult. I'll even get you started on one. Debunk this excerpt, a prime example of Coulter's sneering anti-intellectualism.

Left-wing radicals swarm to free foundation money, where they can give gigantic grants to one another and they will never have to do a day's work. That's exactly what Obama and Ayers did with Annenberg's money.

None of the Annenberg money went to schoolchildren. It went to Ayers' left-wing crank friends to write moronic papers that we hope no one ever reads.

I'll even give you a hint. Just look for what the Annenberg money went toward. Ann Coulter gets paid to do this and can't be bothered to even half-heartedly cover up her lies. I did this in under two hours for free. Not as lucrative as being paid to flog a congressman while he's shackled to a St. Andrews cross and calling you "Mistress", but at least I can sleep at night.

Oh, I have absolutely no evidence that Ann Coulter is, or ever has, engaged in any activities of sexually based pain or humiliation for fun or profit, just like she has no evidence that everyone has an impression of an angry Michelle Obama. So there.